After Dinner Speeches Made Child’s Play
It was Sir Winston Churchill who said; There are two things that are more difficult than making an after dinner speech: climbing a wall that is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you!
I have a feeling that making this speech to you lot, might be like trying to do both at the same time.
I have a feeling that making this speech to you lot, might be like trying to do both at the same time.
With the bar in mind, I stopped off this evening to get some money from the hole in the wall:
As I was taking the cash, a tramp came up to me and asked if I could spare any money.
I said, “ If I were to give you any money, would you spend it on drink?”---He said, “No sir.”
I said, “ Would you be spending it on cigarettes then?”---He said, “No sir.”---
I said, “ Would you be spending it on gambling then?”--He said, “No sir.”
As I was taking the cash, a tramp came up to me and asked if I could spare any money.
I said, “ If I were to give you any money, would you spend it on drink?”-
I said, “ Would you be spending it on cigarettes then?”-
I said, “ Would you be spending it on gambling then?”-
I said, “ If that is the case would you please come home with me, so I can show my wife, what can happen to somebody who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.”
Pete was actually very lucky to qualify as a teacher. He was asked to put on a form the two main reasons he wanted to be a teacher; And he put, ‘July and August.’
Geoff is so short, he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.
Even when Tim started Primary School, it was apparent he was different from all the other 5 year olds; He was 11.
He has taught me how to leave a Casino with a small fortune. We go in with a large one.
Eric comes from an old RAF family, his grandfather actually fought with Douglas Bader. Unfortunately it was over a woman in a pub.
Romance hasn’t often beaten a path to Dean’s door; He once tried to place an advert in the Lonely Hearts Club magazine, but they wrote back to say they weren’t that lonely.
This was a shame, because I am sure that there would have been lots of women who would have shared Dean’s hobby, of making model boats out of matchsticks.
He has always tried really hard to make himself attractive, always wearing the finest after shaves three pounds would buy; Hai Karate, Avon, Poundstretcher.
Before departing, I would just like to leave you with a thought. Why is it, all the people who know how to run this country, are too busy driving taxies or cutting hair?
There was a time when a Solicitor was one of the best paid professionals; but that is no longer the case. I called a plumber out the other day and he charged me £80 an hour.---
I said, “Eighty pounds an hour, my Solicitor doesn’t charge that”--
He said, “I agree, I didn’t charge as much as that when I was a Solicitor.”---
I was watching these two council workmen earlier today; one dug a hole and the other followed behind him and filled the hole in. They were working furiously without a rest and although I was amazed at their hard work, I just had to ask them what they were doing.
I said, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's going on? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today.”-
Pete was actually very lucky to qualify as a teacher. He was asked to put on a form the two main reasons he wanted to be a teacher; And he put, ‘July and August.’
Geoff is so short, he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.
Even when Tim started Primary School, it was apparent he was different from all the other 5 year olds; He was 11.
He has taught me how to leave a Casino with a small fortune. We go in with a large one.
Eric comes from an old RAF family, his grandfather actually fought with Douglas Bader. Unfortunately it was over a woman in a pub.
Romance hasn’t often beaten a path to Dean’s door; He once tried to place an advert in the Lonely Hearts Club magazine, but they wrote back to say they weren’t that lonely.
This was a shame, because I am sure that there would have been lots of women who would have shared Dean’s hobby, of making model boats out of matchsticks.
He has always tried really hard to make himself attractive, always wearing the finest after shaves three pounds would buy; Hai Karate, Avon, Poundstretcher.
Before departing, I would just like to leave you with a thought. Why is it, all the people who know how to run this country, are too busy driving taxies or cutting hair?
There was a time when a Solicitor was one of the best paid professionals; but that is no longer the case. I called a plumber out the other day and he charged me £80 an hour.-
I said, “Eighty pounds an hour, my Solicitor doesn’t charge that”-
He said, “I agree, I didn’t charge as much as that when I was a Solicitor.”-
I was watching these two council workmen earlier today; one dug a hole and the other followed behind him and filled the hole in. They were working furiously without a rest and although I was amazed at their hard work, I just had to ask them what they were doing.
I said, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's going on? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a three-
Speech Document Samples