After Dinner Speeches
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The Icelanders would seem to have something against us, if it’s not their banks trying to ruin us, it’s their volcanoes.
Anyway, my Mother-in-law predicted the eruption long ago, nobody can spot a fault like she can.
I wouldn’t say that his popularity has reached rock bottom, but if he stood unopposed he would lose.
I don’t support any organised party;--I vote #.
He’s got lots of friends in politics; the best a gong can buy.
I have just heard that [politician] has had a freak accident today, he was struck by an original thought.
I know how Brown feels about the ‘Problems of Afghanistan’; I once tried to get out of a book club myself.
Looking at all three candidates on the TV debate, I feel relieved that only one of them will be elected.
When I was a kid fairy tales began with ‘Once upon a time;’ now they begin with ‘When we get elected.’
I arrived 45 minutes after the start of #’s speech and asked the man next to me what it was all about. He said, “He hasn’t told us yet.”
I am not trying to say that Dave is a bad driver; but I would feel safer being driven home by Tiger Woods.
One of the most bizarre MP’s expenses claims was John Prescott's toilet seat;---it was a brave man who lifted the lid on that one.
After a difficult period, I am delighted that the caravan industry is doing well again and they have even revived an old song for their new advertising campaign; 'Portaloo Sunset.'
The joke was so funny, it almost made Andy Murray laugh.
I had a cheque returned yesterday from my Bank marked, ‘Insufficient Funds.’ I rang to ask if it meant me or them?
After the MP's expenses scandal, it is rumoured that the inland revenue are going over everything with a fine tooth comb. They are investigating [Football Club] for claiming for silver polish for the last twenty years.
In this period of recession, we all need to be shrewd and save money where we can; and even criminals are having to use all of their guile to survive;---and some are very clever.
2 weeks ago my wife and I had a nice surprise; somebody put a pair of theatre tickets through our door with a message, ‘Guess who these are from?’
So we went out and had a lovely evening, but when we got home our house had been ransacked; and on our dining table was a note, ‘Now you know.’
Even Banks are trying to save money nowadays, although to be fair to them, they did give me a calendar at Christmas;---even though it only had 3 months on it.
Business is so bad nowadays, even the people who have no intention of paying aren’t buying.
Apparently, Snow White has had to lay off 4 of the dwarfs.
There is one consolation though, in 20 years time we will be calling these the good old days.
I am delighted to say my Bank manager has just joined a new Bank; he now separates the green bottles from the brown bottles.
I know many of you here this evening have investments; and I was wondering if you have heard today’s rumours about trouble in the Japanese Banking sector. Apparently the Origami Bank has folded;---Sumo Bank has gone belly up;---And Bonsai Bank is cutting some branches.
Shares of Kamikaze Bank have nose dived;---And Karate Bank has given 500 people the chop.---
Something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank;---Where staff feel they may get a raw deal.
I am not saying my home town is dull; but the definition of a Grimsby playboy is somebody who stays up to watch News at 10.
With the bar in mind, I stopped off this evening to get some money from the hole in the wall:
As I was taking the cash, a tramp came up to me and asked if I could spare any money.
I said, “ If I were to give you any money, would you spend it on drink?”---He said, “No sir.”
I said, “ Would you be spending it on cigarettes then?”---He said, “No sir.”---
I said, “ Would you be spending it on gambling then?”--He said, “No sir.”-–
I said, “ If that is the case would you please come home with me, so I can show my wife, what can happen to somebody who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.”
Pete was actually very lucky to qualify as a teacher. He was asked to put on a form the two main reasons he wanted to be a teacher; And he put, ‘July and August.’
Geoff is so short, he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.
Even when Tim started Primary School, it was apparent he was different from all the other 5 year olds; He was 11.
He has taught me how to leave a Casino with a small fortune. We go in with a large one.
Eric comes from an old RAF family, his grandfather actually fought with Douglas Bader. Unfortunately it was over a woman in a pub.
There was a time when a Solicitor was one of the best paid professionals; but that is no longer the case. I called a plumber out the other day and he charged me £80 an hour.---
I said, “Eighty pounds an hour, my Solicitor doesn’t charge that”--
He said, “I agree, I didn’t charge as much as that when I was a Solicitor.”
Before departing, I would just like to leave you with a thought. Why is it, all the people who know how to run this country, are too busy driving taxies or cutting hair?
After Dinner Speech Document Samples