After Dinner Speeches Samples Taken from DIY After Dinner Speech Documents.

After a difficult period, I am delighted that the caravan industry is doing well again and they have even revived an old song for their new advertising campaign; 'Portaloo Sunset.'

The joke was so funny, it almost made Andy Murray laugh.

I had a cheque returned yesterday from my Bank marked, ‘Insufficient Funds.’ I rang to ask if it meant me or them?

E-mails that warn you not to buy tinned pork because of Swine Flu, are just Spam.

I rang the swine flu help line; but all I could hear was crackling.

After the MP's expenses scandal, it is rumoured that the inland revenue are going over everything with a fine tooth comb. They are investigating [Football Club] for claiming for silver polish for the last twenty years.

In this period of recession, we all need to be shrewd and save money where we can; and even criminals are having to use all of their guile to survive;---and some are very clever.

2 weeks ago my wife and I had a nice surprise; somebody put a pair of theatre tickets through our door with a message, ‘Guess who these are from?’

So we went out and had a lovely evening, but when we got home our house had been ransacked; and on our dining table was a note, ‘Now you know.’

Even Banks are trying to save money nowadays, although to be fair to them, they did give me a calendar at Christmas;---even though it only had 3 months on it.

Business is so bad nowadays, even the people who have no intention of paying aren’t buying.

Apparently, Snow White has had to lay off 4 of the dwarfs.

There is one consolation though, in 20 years time we will be calling these the good old days.

I am delighted to say my Bank manager has just joined a new Bank; he now separates the green bottles from the brown bottles.

I know many of you here this evening have investments; and I was wondering if you have heard today’s rumours about trouble in the Japanese Banking sector. Apparently the Origami Bank has folded;---Sumo Bank has gone belly up;---And Bonsai Bank is cutting some branches.

Shares of Kamikaze Bank have nose dived;---And Karate Bank has given 500 people the chop.---

Something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank;---Where staff feel they may get a raw deal.

I am not saying my home town is dull; but the definition of a Grimsby playboy is somebody who stays up to watch News at 10.

With the bar in mind, I stopped off this evening to get some money from the hole in the wall:

As I was taking the cash, a tramp came up to me and asked if I could spare any money.

I said, “ If I were to give you any money, would you spend it on drink?”---He said, “No sir.”

I said, “ Would you be spending it on cigarettes then?”---He said, “No sir.”---

I said, “ Would you be spending it on gambling then?”--He said, “No sir.”-–

I said, “ If that is the case would you please come home with me, so I can show my wife, what can happen to somebody who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.”

Pete was actually very lucky to qualify as a teacher. He was asked to put on a form the two main reasons he wanted to be a teacher; And he put, ‘July and August.’

Geoff is so short, he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.

Even when Tim started Primary School, it was apparent he was different from all the other 5 year olds; He was 11.

He has taught me how to leave a Casino with a small fortune. We go in with a large one.

Eric comes from an old RAF family, his grandfather actually fought with Douglas Bader. Unfortunately it was over a woman in a pub.

Romance hasn’t often beaten a path to Dean’s door; He once tried to place an advert in the Lonely Hearts Club magazine, but they wrote back to say they weren’t that lonely. This was a shame, because I am sure that there would have been lots of women who would have shared Dean’s hobby, of making model boats out of matchsticks.

He has always tried really hard to make himself attractive, always wearing the finest after shaves three pounds would buy; Hai Karate, Avon, Poundstretcher.

Before departing, I would just like to leave you with a thought. Why is it, all the people who know how to run this country, are too busy driving taxies or cutting hair?

There was a time when a Solicitor was one of the best paid professionals; but that is no longer the case. I called a plumber out the other day and he charged me £80 an hour.---

I said, “Eighty pounds an hour, my Solicitor doesn’t charge that”--

He said, “I agree, I didn’t charge as much as that when I was a Solicitor.”

I was watching these two council workmen earlier today; one dug a hole and the other followed behind him and filled the hole in. They were working furiously without a rest and although I was amazed at their hard work, I just had to ask them what they were doing.

I said, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's going on? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today.”

After Dinner Speech Document Samples